My futon

This morning I realized how epic my futon has been in the past three years. Lets rewind for a second. Ok, I am like 6 or something and my best friend Kelli gets a sweet new bed. I actually went to the bed store with her family to look for beds. It was a couch/bed on the bottom and a bunk on top! It was epic and would be the best for sleep overs. I loved it. Kelli kept getting headaches and they thought maybe it was because she was sleeping so high up. So they needed to sell the bed. I don't remember how my family decided to buy it, but we did. AWESOME!

Anyways, I slept in the bunk part for  awhile, and sometimes I would sleep on the bottom. I am pretty sure Alex took the top bunk (we called a crib) to college for a while. I think Grant lived on the futon for a while. It is weird to think about now since I have had the futon in my loving care since I started college. I knew it would be a great couch and IWU has dorm rooms big enough to contain it. So, my freshmen year it started a new story. I remember having 4 girls sitting on the futon, other girls sitting around in chairs and on the floor and just getting to know each other our freshmen year. That year I also started having morning quiet time with Jesus and coffee, on my futon. I had a crazy flash back this morning as I did that very thing again.

Every year I have (along with help) disassembled and reassembled this sweet spot. The list of people who have helped me put it together and take it about is really funny. So many sweet hearts. I am so thankful for supportive, helpful men in my life over these past 3 years.  But in all reality these men are doing themselves a favor by helping set it up.

Life has happened on this futon. Not only is it a beautiful spot for my alone time but it has fostered community more than I even realized. Countless ladies have sat here with me, or spent a night on this mattress. We have laughed until we thought we would pee our pants, we have cried tears that felt like our heart was being stabbed, we have processed falling in love, breaking up, changing majors, family issues, and adjusting to new seasons. I vividly remember having a giddy conversation with Steph on my futon last year after Ben and I kissed for the first time. I have held residents as they cried from pure exhaustion and confusion. I have had hard conversations. I've spent late nights and early mornings. We have pulled it into a bed for sleepovers and lazy days.

I am incredibly thankful for the long conversations that easily trump homework or sleep. I am thankful for each of the relationships that have come in and out of my life in the past 3 years. In my fourth year I want this place to be a spot where people can come and be courageous enough to be fully themselves. I want to invite others into vulnerability to do life in the best way possible. I want to love well. I pray that I will be able to listen when that is all is needed and give wise advise when it is right. So come, put your feet up. Relax. Lets talk. Lets do life. The futon is up and ready in Beckett Hall for is fourth and final year here at IWU.

Disconnected

This summer I have been disconnected. I am in an element that I am not use to. It started when I had to live in Martin for a week. It was a humbling experience to live in a dorm and not "have the keys". My internship does not play to my strengths and I find that frustrating. Last summer I was totally in my sweet spot and thriving. This summer, I am enjoying what I am learning but I am not fully able to best use my skills and talents. However, that is growing me a lot.

On vacation (oh yea I went on a Mediterranean cruise) I was disconnected from the internt and my cell phone. It was funny to have to plan with my family when we were going to meet places because we could not just text each other. It was also very freeing.

Now back on campus the house I live in still does not have internet. The other day on facebook I saw some one post about how they found out they wont have internet or cable in their house for a week and it was going to be terrible. I don't even think about cable. In college it has become so not a thing in my life. However, the internt very much is a thing in my life. I use it a lot. This summer I do not. I am lucky that I can just pack up my computer and bike over to the student center. Even if it is closed I can get on from outside the building. However, it is another little step to think about. When I think about something I want to look up- I cant just go grab my computer and pull up google. I have to save the thought till I can go get internet. Yes, I can use my phone and I do sometimes. I use to to check facebook and twitter etc. But I am not a big blog reader on my cell phone and I am not really into researching things on my phone. So those things get pushed to the "remember for when I get on the internet" burner.

I have to be intentional with my internet usage. It reminds me of going to Kenya when we would pay for each minute of internet.

So I read a lot. Which is good. Let me know if you need any book recommendations.

Anyways. I have felt disconnected in a lot of ways. I have hit some pretty low lows and experienced some growing pains. But I have also seen the Lord in a lot of ways too.

I said goodbye to my boss, mentor, and one of my best friends (all the same person). But so many relationships have grown in ways that they would not have if I was not here.

The quantity and quality of rest that I dreamed of has not happend yet but in these next few weeks I want to fight for them.

That one time

That one time I had finals.
That one time school was over and we had all RA things at the end of the year.
That one time we made a kick butt music video and had the best time doing it.
That one time I have no idea how I have so many various outfits for each scene.
That one time I really like the boy I am dating.
That one time I am now a senior in college. (WHAT)
That one time I started my internship for this summer.
                       A lot of my friends left/ some of them graduated
                       I will be sore a lot from work
                       I will/already have wicked tan lines
                       I so know it is exactly where I need to be this summer. REST
                       I went from people to plants.
                       I  moved dorms only to move again when I am back
                       I am home for a few days trying to do everything and see everyone
                       I am leaving the country tomorrow.
                       I am super excited and ready for a crazy adventure.

That one time I am covered in grace and redemption and restoration and love. (Jk thats all the time)

The love I didn't know I had.

When entering into a new year with a new staff I was not sure that my heart had enough room to love these girls as much as I loved last years staff. However, the Lord made room. There were multiple times this year where I had to pause and think "how in the world can I love these girls THIS much?"

I am so blessed to live and learn and grow and work with these ladies. I have learned countless things from long conversations or just watching the way they live their lives. I have been loved in ways that I do not deserve. They have carried me, fought for me, held me up when I didn't want to stand any more. They have made me laugh, they have made me cry because I am laughing so hard. We have had countless adventures. We have broken bread together, often at 7am on Mondays.

I can be real, I can be sharpened, I am safe and accepted, I can jump, I can fall, I can forgive and be forgiven with these women.

Here are some of the things they have taught me this year.

Noelle: you teach me how to be real with myself and my emotions. You inspire me to love my family well by watching you love yours with such a beautiful intensity.

Emily: I have always said you are such a fighter but it is such a selfless fight that you want to win. You are always looking out for those that you love and loving them fiercely.

Steph: You are so wise and so insightful. You know how to care for those you love and I admire how much you seek wisdom and wise words from those around you.

Lindsay: I have been so lucky to see you love eastside and your residents. You have taught me so much about loving each girl well and being open to new situations and changes in staff's and units and seeing the Lord work in all of them.

Kassidy: You go all in and I love that. I admire your willingness to jump into the chaos and learn to love it. You are a huge supporter to each person on staff and each one of the residents. Your ability to learn people and learn their stories is such a gift.

Paige Scott: I am so impressed by your ability to be 'Here and Now', and by your undivided attention you give to each person you interact with. It challenges me.

Lexi: The level of thought and insight you give to things is incredible. Watching you get outside of your comfort zone (try new things, be bold) this year is so encouraging.


Thank you ladies for loving me so well this year. Thank you for doing ministry on Eastside. Thank you for staying at the table.

A little glimpse into the future

This week I had two little sneak peeks into the future. I was offered the garden internship that I applied for. So I will be staying in Marion this summer. It is for real the greatest deal. I am pretty excited about it. We also had our new staff retreat this weekend. So it was a sneak peek into the team dynamics of a new staff and getting to know and love these girls. I am also super excited for that.

Stunning ladies right?

Anyways, it was great to have a little snippet of what life is going to be like in the near future. However, I want to stay in the here and now. I have to in order to survive schedules like these:

Pretty crazy but oh so beautiful and sweet.

Unreal.

It is unreal how infrequently I have blogged. It is unreal how much happens in a few weeks. It is unreal how much happens in a day. It is unreal how blessed I am. It is unreal how sovereign God is. It is unreal how much I love coffee. It is unreal how this community has become such a part of me. It is unreal how I can meet with the Lord in the most unexpected ways. It is unreal how weak I am. It is unreal how much I need rest. It is unreal how little I can figure anything out on my own or do anything by my own strength.

So, here I am. Updating on my life so one day I can look back and say 'oh yeah that was awesome'.

This happened. Our spring break trip was all of those things I mentioned in my last post and more. It was beautiful. We rode horses on the beach. Yes, just like the movies. Mine was named Gracie. So so so thankful that this could happen in this season.

While I was in NC for spring break my sister-in-law gave birth to Arie Grace Oler. I can not wait to meet her and love her. Yay for more girls in the family! I am totally looking forward one day to talks with my niece that only a young hip aunt can have with her. I am so proud of Alex and Ayla and the wonderful parents that they are to her and Austin.

Myself and some ladies made a kick-butt fruit salad last weekend for Fish Stick Friday at Ben's house. College kids don't get thing this nice. We gifted ourselves.

Em bought a duck. Duh. haha I love it. We played with it for a few hours on Saturday. I did not have that planned but that is the beauty of life. Sometimes you cut out a few hours on a Saturday to play with a duck darnit.

Last night we had an Eastside event called Unveiled. The Lord really worked in this event last year and I think is already working in the event this year. Super challenging but super awesome. Linds and Steph led a little worship at the beginning which was incredible. I tell you I am so lucky to get to live among these ladies.

This weekend we have our new staff retreat. I am so excited to start this new journey with these girls.

Praying for daily bread.

And then some.

I have clearly been lacking in motivation to blog. Which I don't really enjoy. I enjoy blogging. But lets not be too hard on myself. Life happens. And I love life. Anyways.

In recent days/this semester I have had the wonderful opportunity to spend massive amounts of time with Mary. She is a total babe. She cracks me up. We might write a book...or at least a children's book of all our adventures. Paige and Mary try to go to the pool. Paige and Mary finally go to the pool. Paige and Mary workout moms. Paige and Mary have sleepovers. Paige and Mary do crops. Its gonna be gripping.

Somehow it is already the week before spring break. A staff for 2013-2014 has been hired. I feel oh so good about it. I am excited and trying to figure out/remember what it looks like to love my current staff and soak up all that I can with them but also love the ladies I will be sharing next year with. I still am not sure what I will be doing this summer. This time last year I was pretty set on the FBCG gig. So now its a little crazy not knowing exactly where I will be at. Be still my soul. It will all get figured out.

In a few short days I will be hitting the road with these ladies.

What more could a girl want? A springbreak trip to North Carolina with these crazy beautiful women. Somehow there is no picture of the 3 of us that I could find. I am sure after next week we will have one or 2. Some of my dreams for next week? Coffee, deep convos, blankets, long walks, seafood, sleep, cooking, laughing till we can't or till we cry, loud music, dancing, books, adventure, rest, breathing deeper, walking slower, extended quiet time. Yes please. All of that. It won't be your classic college girl spring break... because it will be oh so much better, sweeter, richer, deeper, restfull-er. Yep. I am excited.

What a treat

All weekend I kept saying "What a treat." I felt so treasured this weekend. I went home for the first and possibly only time this semester. I went to the doctor and got my car looked at (to make sure it was up for the trek to NC). I wanted the weekend to be life-giving and had decided I would invite someone to go with me as long as it would be life-giving to them as well. I ended up taking Laura Maloney home. It was perfect. She needed to get off campus and I was just the person to deliver the opportunity.

We met my parents at Maggiano's. We felt so classy. It was unreal.

Another aspect of the trip was stopping by the Apple store to see if they could fix my phone. It was an annoying process..which ultimately was unsuccessful. However being downtown Naperville at night was beautiful. Laura and I walked past all the cute stores under the lit up trees. It was cute. Our drive home was also incredibly relaxing/fun. 

It was a winter wonderland. So relaxing. We also had an oatmeal bar for breakfast which is one of my favorite things in life. Again..what a treat. 

I dropped Laura off at a coffee shop on Saturday so she could get work done. I had some time to read and journal and rest. Again...what a treat. 

Overall it was crazy successful. I am so thankful. I had great conversations with my parents. Laura was so fun to spend time with and share home with. And now..back to school life...which is also great. 

Continually Give Thanks

This morning my heart woke up thankful.

Thankful for the cross and new mercies each day.
Thankful for the chance to learn and grow in this community.
Thankful for my girls and my job and the opportunity to do life with them.
Thankful for my closest friends who are some of the most caring and courageous people I know.
Thankful for a season of cold and dark to search for warmth and seek.
Thankful for laughter and those who know me best and know exactly how to make me laugh.
Thankful for passions that the Lord has placed on my heart.
Thankful for the options and possibilities that I am given each day.
Thankful for a family that is loving from afar and always protects.
Thankful for sweet mornings.

The list could go on and on...and for that I am thankful.

Abandoned House Syndrom

I am self diagnosing myself. I really believe that I have abandoned house syndrom. I see the stories of the past. I see what it looked like when it was first created. I see what it was like when everything was functioning as it should and playing its part. I also see the other side. I see what it could look like with a little work and love and care. I see the potential for beauty and incredible memories to be made again. I don't want to disregard that. I want to develop it and challenge myself to make it great. It will for sure take time, probably lots of it. It wont be easy, but to me I can still see worth in that work. But yet sometimes the house and bulldozed and you really dont know why and you think back to ways you could have changed it. But that is a waste of energy.

Love me some hardwood floors

This space was incredible, exposed brick..yes please.

Who doesn't love built in storage? 

But yet still...sometimes.. it gets bulldozed...stories, histories, memories, possibilities.

I just have a fight in me. I hate when things dont work and I feel like I wasn't able to give it everything I could have. However, even when I can not understand I know my God knows exactly that I need. And clearly I needed it to be bulldozed. And one day hopefully I will be able to look back and see and understand. Today I am thankful. I am grateful for the times I had with the abandoned house. The things I learned about myself when I was there. I will rejoice in the life that it lived. It will live on in other ways and hopefully bring grace and peace in those ways. I am blessed for having the opportunity to dream, explore, grow, and learn.

Courage

“Courage, the original definition of courage when it first came into the English language- it’s from the Latin word cor, meaning heart - and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart…


This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee — and that’s really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that’s excruciatingly difficult — to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we’re wondering, ‘Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?’ just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, ‘I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.’”


-Quote by Brene Brown, speaking about The Power of Vulnerability at TED


Am I letting myself be deeply seen?

Am I being consistent in gratitude and joy?

Christmas "Old Stuff": A Guest Blog from my Mama!

I am so excited to share my mom for a little bit! I asked her to guest blog about something that is very special to her around Christmas time! So here it is! (I had serious formatting issues so all the pictures are at the bottom)

I like “old stuff” with memories attached. Christmas gives me an opportunity to bring out things I don’t see during the year, but that are loaded with memories. I can’t ever imagine having a coordinated Christmas tree because I will want to have ornaments from the past and they are a jumble of different colors, sizes, etc. Because I have a late December birthday, people have been giving me ornaments as gifts for the past 5 decades! We like to get an ornaments from trips we have taken and this little angel is one I remember seeing on my Grandma Weingartner’s tree.


Making Cookies gives me an opportunity to use the rolling pin I got from Grandma W’s house, and for some reason my mom gave me her Christmas cookie cutters. She must have gotten a new set. This gingerbread man (probably from the 50’s) is one unlike any I’ve ever seen elsewhere. Is he a policeman or what, he’s got holsters and two guns!

We drink more tea, coffee, hot chocolate, etc. when everyone is home for Christmas and so we got out the spoon holder from Aunt Ann’s house. Do other families use spoon holders? Maybe just those families who eat lots of cereal and soup, and serve ice cream at most meals. The spoons from a silverware set always run out first, so you need a bunch of random spoons handy! This one has a Thistle on it for Thistle Downs, Aunt Ann and Uncle Jim’s home for their last 30-40 years.

I don’t remember using this tablecloth at my Grandmother Manson’s house, but I found it in her basement when we cleaned out her house. She lived there until she was 103 and we found lots of treasures as we opened up drawers in the basement, etc. I wish we had gone rummaging around while she was still there so she could answer questions about the things we found. It seemed rude so we just memorized her favorite dozen stories which kind of went on a loop the last few years of her life. I think I will be more “rude” and be sure to ask my mom about her things. We got a start this weekend by having her talk with Paige and Grant about her photo albums from summers at Teton Valley Ranch in Jackson Hole Wyoming and college days at the University of Colorado.

I do remember these angels and where each one would sit in her house. Grandmother liked collecting angels and one of the fun things to do when we visited was go around the house and see how many we could find. Some of them were out all year and some just came out at Christmas.

The nativity isn’t handed down to me, it was a wedding gift, but it also has a history. Libby Moore is the artist who created the molds for the figures. Libby went to our church, I was good friends with her daughter, Joy. My mom had purchased a set of these figures when I was a very little girl. When I got married, she asked Libby to make three more sets, so all of Mom’s children have a matching nativity set. My dad made the stable to match one his dad made for theirs. I have a camel in my set, but my mom’s set has leather camels my grandparents brought back from Egypt. The sand that they are stuffed with leaks out of their feet a little each year.

So my Christmas decorations don’t match, they aren’t expensive, but they are priceless to me. They are a way to connect with those loved ones who aren’t around to celebrate with anymore.